Update on the family emergency: my mother is going for tests to see why she had an abnormal mammogram. That’s in mid June so it’s been stressful around here. Trying to make her less stressed. Writing is a great way to destress so here we go…
I saw a meme the other day that said, “I deserve to be loved. Not liked. Not lusted after. Not settled for. But loved.”
In my years of dating and having relationships I’ve experienced all of those people. The Like People who will string you along in some non-committal limbo either because they don’t have the emotional maturity to end it or give into the risk of seeing where it may go. Or they just don’t really even like you like they think they do. It could be the thought of you liking them that makes them like you. Or they are too damaged to take like to the next level, in which case, Hi I’ve been there, so I understand you may like someone, but that’s all you’re emotionally capable of giving that person. I learned the hard way that that always ends up with you losing the other person because no matter how much they like you back, you can’t expect them to stay in that limbo with you. Soon they’ll start feeling more while you stay stunted. Causing them to find someone who will be capable of growing in feeling with them. I’ve been on both ends of that one. That’s when I realized it was time to work on myself, forgo dating, focus on why I was so stunted.
We’ve all had encounters with the Lust People. Ranging from constantly complimenting your looks and not your personality or even wanting to get to know your personality to the ones who just want sex. In any form they can get it. We’ve all been the Lust People too. Don’t pretend you never went after someone who only struck your physical interest. It’s where you go with it that counts. You could try to get to know the hot guy to see if there’s an actual compatibility there. Beauty and brains. And if there isn’t that’s when you let them go. Unless they want a quick go around then bang it out, but if they thought of you as more than a pretty face just leave them be if you don’t feel the same.
The Settled For People. Either they settle for you or you settle for them it doesn’t matter. You’re using the person. Dating is hard. Everyone is getting engaged, married, having kids, in happily ever after relationships with people all around you. FOMO. Fear of missing out on what you’re seeing your friends doing with their significant others. You want someone. You want a connection. You want your person. You want to be in love with someone so much so that you’ll settle for whatever comes along. You’re akin to the Like People. Simply putting a label on it instead of the limbo the Like People do. This is harder than the limbo because the other person, who actually does like you and thinks this label is for real, is going to get hurt when the label is torn off because you’ve either found someone better to settle for or you simply stopped settling, stopped denying that this isn’t what you really want.
My friend told me this girl he’s been seeing said they were in a “situationship”. I’ve heard this term tossed around the younger generation so many times. I looked it up to see more. Top result from Urban Dictionary comes up as:
“Let’s just chill, have sex, and be confused on the fact that we are not together but have official emotions for each other.”
In a reddit forum the comments from females made me want to give them all hugs!
“it’s like friends with benefits only you start to catch feelings only to push them down so the other person doesn’t know because they might not feel the same way”
“I’ve been waiting for my situationship to turn into a real relationship for 7 months (one girl had 4 years!) now, but I’m beginning to lose hope. Well, at least the sex is good. Lol!”
“I turned my 10 month situationship into a real relationship! He finally made it official. No more confusion.”
Maybe it’s my age. Maybe it’s the type of woman I am. But I would get the hell out of that situationship before I wasted my life on someone who could not, would not or didn’t think you were enough of a reason to commit to. If you’re fine with that situationship then go ahead, but the girls I read about just waiting for the guy to make it official… wishing, hoping, praying for this person to FINALLY tell them how they feel when they might not even feel that way, but may feel forced to say they feel that way by the girl… it breaks my heart.
I jumped into relationships vagina first. Then after having sex we’d end up “official” somehow. Just paired up because our genitals paired up. Eventually, the honeymoon phase wore off. We were a couple. Time to put the work into a relationship. Time to see the other person for they really were, clothed. For me, it was wanting to package them all up and return them. All we had basing this relationship on was sex. The idea they had potential. And hope they’d live up to that potential. That idea. They never did. I’m sure I never did. Because if you see someone as potential while you’re with them you’re still looking through rose colored glasses. We look at people we’re getting to know as having potential. And if you’re in a relationship with the person thinking they may have potential you should have already figured that out.
If you’re stuck in the “like” phase for months then it’s not real. If you only want them for sex, it’s definitely not real. If you just want someone because you want someone then settle on a person you’re still settling and it’s cruel.
I read that quote and smiled because I finally felt something I have never felt before: self worth. I knew the type of woman I am. I knew I wasn’t going to settle. I wasn’t going to hop on someone just to be in a situationship. I knew I deserved more than being put in limbo. I’m no longer impulsive. I want to know someone, see if they have potential to be more than lust or like. It’s scary to let your guard down to get to actually feeling deeply about someone. But I’m willing if it means no more situationships, friends with benefits, limbo hell. I’m willing to grow up and try. I’m willing to see where something will go, but I also know when to walk away. Take me or I’ll leave. Either you want me or you’re making a huge mistake. I’m worthy of all the heavens not some measly limbo.